These were my last words as an oral English teacher at Er Zhong (said to a class of Senior Twos):

"You've been in middle school for five years. You only have one year to go. I know next year is the most difficult year. But just remember that."

If I had known that the bell was going to ring in two seconds, I would have tried to end the class on a lighter note. Maybe a joke. Something that would have made the students laugh. But alas, that was it. With those sage words, my teaching career at Er Zhong came to a close.

I still have to turn in my final grades, though. I was supposed to give a final exam, but the school refused to give me enough time to administer the test. So I decided to skip the charade, do what the head teachers will probably do anyway and write in full marks for all the students.

My final classes went extremely well. We laughed. No one cried. I sang the complete version of an Chinese song one of my classes taught me in December (I had my Chinese tutor teach me the rest of it), and they applauded. I showed another class that I could count to eight in the local dialect, and they went crazy.

I told that same class that I broke up with my Chinese boyfriend because I found out he has a wife, and they suggested I kill the other woman. (Background: After six months of questions about my love life, I told the students I was dating Andy Lau, the Hong Kong singer/actor. I didn't know at the time that he is about 45 years old -- he looked much younger in his wax statue in Hong Kong!) Then the students asked me if my parents want me to find a boyfriend, and one student said, "I think your mother wants a grandson." (Boys are the ideal child in China.)

The only kink was that one head teacher didn't realize that I had finished teaching and put my class into yesterday's schedule as usual. (This is despite that Mr. Liu and the students all knew that last Wednesday was the final class.) I had a student come to me near tears yesterday -- and with a friend in tow rubbing her shoulder in support -- wanting to know why I hadn't shown up to class. It really pained me to see her hurt.

I'm sure that if you asked a student their impression of my teaching, their opinion would vary depending on their class. For example, if you asked this one particular class what they think about me, I'm sure their response would include several Chinese curse words.

This class started very well in September but disinigrated steadily throughout this semester. The biggest problem, and the one that has made me lose respect for the students, is that they constantly tease this one poor girl. There have been three incidents during the year when I have noticed this -- and who knows how many times I haven't because they use Chinese?

And it had to happen during the last class. I was doing "superlative" awards with the students (like the ones they do in American high schools -- most likely to succeed, most likely to be president, etc). One of them was "most likely to have 10 children." For some reason the students all think this is hysterical, and this award consistently has the most nominees.

So this girl stood up and says, "None of us will have 10 children, because ..." and then explained China's one-child policy. Before I could say the award was just a joke, the students all whooped and yelled in an extremely condescending manner.

Now this has been a problem all year, and I have repeatedly told the students to stop. Their head teacher is aware that it happens.

"Excuse me!" I said sternly. "If that happens again, I will leave. And I don't care if it is the last day of class. That was extremely rude."

This isn't one student causing the problem. It's the ENTIRE class. I looked around, and every student was laughing hysterically. This happens every time. I think the girl has turned numb to it, because she never expresses any emotion when it happens. Then again, Chinese people try not to show their feelings.

Now this student is definitely unique. After class on Friday, she asked me if I believed in God and if I had attended church with my family as a child. Then when I told her I didn't feel comfortable discussing that, she asked me if I hated church (which I absolutely do not). But she's a nice girl, and her spoken English has improved so much this year. She definitely doesn't deserve to be treated like this.

I feel so strongly about this because I was teased constantly in elementary and middle school. In the seventh grade I was teased on a near-daily basis (science, gym and lunch were particularly bad). One time a teacher even helped egg on my classmates. I know from experience that it's extremely difficult to concentrate on your schoolwork when you're either being teased, crying because you were teased in the last class or dreading the next class because you know what's going to happen.

Eventually I realized that if I kept my mouth shut, people wouldn't make fun of me. At least not to my face.

I told myself that if I ever became a teacher, I would never let anyone do that in my classes. And yet it happened on Friday. The students snickered and laughed during the rest of the lesson, like they always do after I reprimand them. It was obvious that they could have cared less what I said.

Eventually I stopped the lesson and told them that I had enjoyed teaching them this year but wished we could have ended on a better note. I didn't give them the letter that I wrote for my classes that thanked them for making me feel welcome in China, told them I thought they were very smart and hard working (which they are, even though it's rarely in my class) and gave advice for how they can keep improving their oral English. I didn't think they deserved to hear those positive comments at the moment.

It's a shame, because there really are a few energetic, enthusiastic kids in that class whom I otherwise would have remembered fondly. But they also were involved. And ultimately that's what I'll remember that class for -- not for the good times, but for their utter lack of respect for their classmate.

On the plus side, my other classes that day went extremely well. The students all listened and participated, and my last class before lunch didn't even jump out of their seats like they always do at the ring of the bell.

I have three more classes left. I think tomorrow is my last day of teaching. I missed three classes last week due to examinations, and Mr. Liu originally had arranged for me to make them up tomorrow morning. Then I looked at the schedule and saw that Mr. Liu had rescheduled the wrong class. So now, who knows?

I'm doing a contest with my Senior One and Two students for the end of the year. They're writing speeches on one of two topics:

1. Write a letter to an American teenager. What do you want them to know about China, Chinese teenagers and your life in China?
2. What do you think China will look like in 20 years? What will be different? What will be the same? How will you be a part of those changes?

I think turnout will be somewhat low, considering that they are in the middle of final exams. But I've already received four entries. Here's one from a Senior One student that almost made me cry:

**********************************************

Dear Lizzie,

How are things in the States?

We are busy with our studies, and final exams are around the corner. You want to know what is going on in Chinese school. Well, I must confess our school life is just very boring. We have to wear ugly uniforms and we study day to day. Classes in our school usually finish at six in the afternoon. So we can't then join other students in playing ball games or swimming. We put the most time into our homework but little time is spent on sports. I think the school should encourage the students to exercise more after class. I have to work even on weekends doing endless homework and attending classes as well. If the teacher gives us one day for rest, we'll applaud.

I'll never stop loving music, even though we have no music lessons in our school. I love playing my electric keyboard in my free time and I love reading on a sunny morning. I love my parents. I really admire my dad and I want to be really smart like him. I live in a town, it has beautiful climate. When people greet others in the street, they said not as "What a nice day" as you might think, they said, "Did you have a meal?" Meal, yes, Hunan people love peppery food very much. I'm sure you'll like the delicious Chinese food.  You know, I'm anything but fat.

When I think of America, all fashionable things come to mind. I think Los Angeles is probably the most exciting place in the US. Disneyland, Hollywood and almost everyone is doing cooler things. I am also very interested in American movies. I hope one day I can enjoy watching the movies without translation.

Well, I have to study at the moment and I'm looking forward to my summer vacation. Best wishes!

I'm bored. Nothing to write about. Most of my friends have already left town for the year. My students are taking an examination today, so I have the day off. So instead of rambling about nothing, I'll post this farewell letter that one of my students wrote me. It was very heartwarming to me...

********************

Dear teacher,

How time flies! One year has passed since you came our school to teach English. Now you has completed your work successfully and will for home.

You're very earnest in your teaching work and very strict with us. At the same time, you're always very kind and never tired of helping us in our English studies. Your teaching is so lively and interesting that we can easily understand. Listening to your lessons is very enjoyable.

I wish you have a pleasant journey and good health.

Your student Jade.

***************************

I really appreciated getting some positive feedback. (And note: This is some of the best grammar that I have seen from a student in one year of teaching.) I also received a present from two Senior Two girls that I have been ordered not to open until I get back to America. It feels like it might be a mug of some sort.

Yesterday I taught my first "last" classes of the year. I said good-bye to my two Junior Two classes (thankfully) and a Senior One class (less thankfully). Except for between five and 10 students, the rest of the classes talked, threw things, chased each other around, etc... (This time, though, I was smart and didn't use a basketball for the game I played in Junior Two.)

So it really means a lot that at least a few students appreciated my work enough to thank me for it.

Tonight I started packing for America. All I did was sort things into piles -- what gets shipped back, what I'll take in my suitcase, etc. But it's strange to think that the year is ending so quickly. Here's my itinerary for the rest of my time here:

circa. June 24: Finish teaching, say my sad farewells to my students and other people at Er Zhong.

July 1: Say good-bye to Xiangtan and fly to Beijing to meet the FAMILY. Yes, they're coming to China for two weeks! So far we're going to Beijing, Xi'an and taking a cruise down the Yangtze to the Three Gorges Dam. I'm trying to convince them to go to Xiangtan for a day ... they'd never forget it!

circa. July 14: The family leaves, and I travel on my own for a few weeks. I'm not sure where I'm going yet, but I'm thinking about Vietnam and Cambodia. I've got extra money I earned teaching the Junior Twos, and I intend to use it.

August 1: Return to the Middle Kingdom, say good-bye and fly from Beijing to LA, where I'll catch a currently-unscheduled flight back to Philadelphia.

************************************

How has this week been? Not too bad, besides an incident today where some boys in a Junior Two class stole a girl's sneaker and threw it around the room.

A lot of my students didn't realize until this week that I won't be at Er Zhong next year. Maybe because William stuck around a second year, they thought I would as well. The Senior Twos are a little more apathetic about it, given that they won't have a foreign teacher next year anyhow. But a lot of the Senior One students have seemed genuinely surprised and disappointed that I won't be their teacher next year. It's bittersweet for me -- bitter because I don't want them to be unhappy, but sweet because at least I've made a tiny impact on them. 

I tell them that I will miss them, but that I miss America and the people I love too much to stay another year. (That's true. Also, I've got thousands of dollars in debt that I need to start paying off in the States.)

Who will be their foreign teacher? I don't know, but I do know that it will not be a WT volunteer. Mr. Liu told me a few days ago that Er Zhong has decided to hire foreign teachers through another organization next year.

He gave me this BS line about how WT only will have 30 teachers next year, and that some of them will be going to universities. (Just so you know: according to my field director, WT has about 45 teachers next year, and none of them are placed in universities.)

Here's what I think the real story is:

As you all know, Mr. Liu has done some rather creepy things this year (including abandoning me at the hospital when I was attached to an IV). During my field director's site visit in April, we decided that WT would only place volunteers at Er Zhong next year if the school replaced Mr. Liu with a new liaison.

As Mr. Liu told me before giving me the news, he was a teacher at the school for 30 years, and a head teacher for 28 of those. And he actually cackled with laughter after he told me. Creepy.

I am extremely glad that I was placed in Xiangtan this year, and especially that I was placed at Er Zhong. I have great students (even the ones who throw things). I've made some good friends here, both at Er Zhong and in the community. I love seeing my students twice a week, which is a privilege that no other WT volunteer has. It's been worth the stress, the gray hairs, and maybe even the inevitable respiratory problems that a year of breathing polluted air will give me.

But maybe it's better that WT doesn't send volunteers to a school that places the wishes of a semi-drunken liaison over the security of its teachers.

Three detained in high-tech China exam cheats (from China Daily.)

Three people were caught feeding test answers to a student taking the gaokao (see last week's posting about this crucial examination). I'm not surprised.

The article doesn't report the consequences of cheating on the gaokao. I'm pretty sure that this student automatically fails the test with no chance of repeating it. The students know this, of course. But if you're in the habit of cheating with no consequences for six years, it's easy to feel invincible.

Why do these students cheat?

I semi-regularly confiscate "cheat sheets" that have the answers to all the questions in my students' English books. During one class I took away cheat sheets from two students during the same listening activity. The activity wasn't being graded, so it's not like I could give out zeros. But I put the scheduled game on hold at the end of class to talk about it with the (Senior One) class.

Before I could get one word out of my mouth, the students started offering explanations for their classmates' behavior.

"You don't understand..."

"We are very busy..."

"Having that can be very helpful for us..."

I held up my hand. "Let me talk first," I said. "Then you can talk."

I told them that I understood that they are very busy and have a lot of pressure to do well. But I also added that an American student would fail any assignment on which he or she cheated, and that the students only deprive themselves of the opportunity to learn when they cheat.

"You are smart. You shouldn't need to cheat," I said. "If you are having trouble with English, you can come and talk to me, and I will try to help you."

But I think my students' above comments say it all. They cheat because they're under so much stress. They cheat because they have way too much homework. And, probably above all, they cheat because they know they can get away with it.

I do give end-of-term examinations, but the head teachers see the grades first. And the head teachers will tweak my grades to make the parents happy. So if I did give a written test, and I gave a student who cheated a zero, that graded would probably be upgraded to a B on the report card. I wonder if that happens in their other classes. It wouldn't surprise me.

The students in that Senior One class looked guilty. Both of the girls who had been cheating apologized. But I'm not sure if they apologized because they realized that they were doing something wrong, or because they had upset me. (I have a really good rapport with that class in general, and both the girls who cheated are generally enthusiastic students.)

I can't change these students' morals, but I can tell them how I feel about their actions. I think I was successful in doing so during this incident. But was it enough? Absolutely not. 

I'm drained right now. Last night I took a 12-hour sleeper train from Hangzhou that landed in Xiangtan around 6:45 a.m. Then, at 9 a.m., I taught three classes in a row (including one that started 10 minutes earlier than I anticipated thanks to an unannounced change in the schedule). I'll be teaching until next Friday, when I have to go to Changsha for the WT end-of-service conference.

Then I had my two-hour Chinese lesson this afternoon. Now I'm in an Internet cafe writing this, because my aparment's Internet has been out for a solid week. The school's not in a rush to fix it.

I'm full of conflicted emotions right now. A HUGE part of me cannot wait to finish teaching. Honestly, part of me feels like a failure as a teacher. And that's not just me talking in the heat of the moment -- that's been a nagging concern throughout the last month in general. Participation in my classes is plummeting as their final exams grow closer -- in my one Senior One class today, I had to walk around the room and basically trick the students into doing the activity. Ninety percent of them stopped doing it the minute I walked away, of course, but the ones who got into it really enjoyed it.

Part of me wants more time with my students, but another part of me says: "If this is what it's going to be like, let's just get these two weeks over with."

I have so many doubts about other things I did this year, like:

-- Did I do enough to stop things like cheating/teasing/hitting? If I had tried harder, would it have been effective? I think I've gone into this in previous posts, but dealing with these issues has been the single-most upsetting and frustrating thing as a teacher in China.

-- Should I have been a stricter disciplinarian? Daniel (my field director) actually said I had better control over my classes than other teachers when he visited in April. But still... those were Senior Two kids on their best behavior. Believe me, it's not always like that.

The list goes on and on.  

This year probably is the only chance I will ever have to live and teach in a foreign country. I feel like I have to take advantage of every opportunity that comes my way and do the best I can at it. That might explain my frustration in these final weeks.

The school says I have to give the students final exams, which I haven't decided if I'm actually going to do. They are pointless. The students know that. The teachers know it. Mr. Liu probably knows it too, even though he's the one ordering me to do it. William didn't give his students a final exam last year, and as far as he knows, no one ever noticed.

I might pull the same thing. I haven't decided yet. I'm going to try to turn the exam into something that would be somewhat meaningful for both them and me. I've thought about doing a talent show. I've thought about making some kind of book/movie with each class. We'll see.

Either way, I'm going to try to keep things light for the next two weeks.

Tomorrow, Thursday and Friday, every Senior Three student in China will take the Gao Kao, the university entrance examination in China. Even though everything my Senior One and Two students do is in preparation for this test, none of the grades they receive in their regular classes count in university admissions. This test is the ONLY thing Chinese universities consider.

"Our teachers remind us about this test every day," a Senior Two student told me a few weeks ago.

Er Zhong has about 500 students in each senior grade. According to my students, between 20 and 30 students every year go to top universities (like Tsinghua University in Beijing, which accepts about one out of every 100 students who apply). Another 100 students go to less-prestigious universites.

You do have a few options if you don't pass the test. Some students repeat their Senior Three year (you only can do this once). Others study at a post-secondary school. After four years there, you can take another test to go to a university.

I can't imagine what it would be like to have your entire future based on one test. This is coming from a person who took the SAT three times because she missed her target score by 10 points the first time and performed worse the second time. (I won't reveal my final score, but the third time was more than worth the effort.)

What does this mean for me? Well, my school is closed for three days, so I'm going to Hangzhou (a city about two hours south of Shanghai) with Vanni. I'm going to be returning Friday evening to teach Saturday morning. In China, if you have a vacation, you make up those classes on the weekends. Which means I'll be teaching Saturday and Sunday.

And after that, I only have two weeks of teaching. The school hasn't told me when my final day of teaching is, but I have a hunch it might be June 22. Mr. Liu told me it is "sometime in the 20s."

I have caved. After 10 months of maintaining my relatively vegetarian diet, I have become a carnivore again. Before I only ate meat when it was a new dish, such as snake, turtle or swan. Now I eat everything but chicken.

Why not chicken, you ask? Click here: http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/china/2007-05/19/content_876304.htm1. As a result of this outbreak, I have stopped eating eggs. (Yes, you can kill the virus by cooking the meat or eggs, but you never know!)

Without eggs, my only source of protein is tofu and fish. Fish is relatively expensive (and the water it swims in relatively chemical-laden), and I'm becoming more and more repulsed by soy products.  Also, I think not eating animal products was starting to become unhealthy. Last week I felt achy and dizzy for about two or three days after eating no protein. The problem was immediately solved when I ate pork for dinner.

Don't worry, I plan on immediately resuming my vegetarian diet when I get back to the States. OK, now let the "I told you you wouldn't last as a vegetarian in China!" statements begin.

http://chinadaily.com.cn/china/2007-05/30/content_883399.htm.

This article is about a video posted to the Internet of a classroom of students verbally abusing their elderly teacher. One student yanked off the teacher's hat from his head, another student threw a bottle at the board and others threatened to beat the teacher after he tried to reprimand the students.

Here's the offending video: http://dv.ouou.com/play/v_38d7f639200b9.html.

To me, the saddest part of the article is the teacher's comments:

"But students are like teachers' children," he continued. "How can we do anything to our children? I'm not defending these students, but teachers are responsible for not educating students well. It's my way to educate students by not doing anything to them because they have apologized to me. "

The only reason I'm surprised by this is because it happened to a Chinese teacher. If this had been a foreign teacher, I wouldn't have been shocked in the least. But I think that this teacher is unfairly shifting the blame from the students to his own methods.

I constantly question whether my students would pay more attention to my lessons if I were a better teacher. I look back on the last year, and I can think of a million times where I could have made a lesson more interesting or when I could have handled a situation better. Planning four lessons a week -- and now six -- when you have very little direction from your school has been draining.

My class doesn't matter to these students. The grades I give are pointless (one teacher even told me that I don't have to give tests and that I should just make up the scores).

I tell my students that I am aware of the stress that they face. I do not reprimand students if they want to sleep or do other work quietly. I tell them that, while I would love for more of them to participate, it is their choice.

I have a few classes who are great. But unfortunately many of my students lack the maturity for me to conduct a classroom based on mutual respect. They throw things. They have loud conversations with their neighbors. They play card games. They listen to their MP3 players. They say things in Chinese that I know are directed at me, but of course I can't understand them. And when I ask them why they are being disrespectful, they say, "Oh, we are so tired. We have so much work."

I find it hard to treat my students like young adults when they lack the ability to stay quiet for 45 minutes. I'm a guest of both their school and their government. I gave up my job and life in America to come and teach them. I'm in a country where I barely speak the language, and I lack the close support network that I had back in the States. Obviously I like WT and many of the people I've met here in China, but it's not the same as being with people whom you've known for years.

Given this, it makes the students' lack of respect even more frustrating. I've tried to tell some of my classes this, and sometimes it works. So what makes the students think they can get away with such disrespect? Here's one state of mind I've heard:

We all know that, thanks to China's one-child policy, most students are their parents' only children. Obviously this puts more pressure on the students to do well, because they are the only ones who will support their parents in their old age. But it's also leading to a generation of "little emperors" -- children who are spoiled rotten.

The comments of the above-mentioned teacher only reinforce this belief. My students all tell me how strict their parents are. One student told me her mother hits her when she does not do well in school. (Keep in mind that I've also seen teachers hit the students. It's not the kind of abuse that will send you to the hospital -- more like a slap on the wrist -- but it's been extremely shocking to me nonetheless.) I know a girl who was forced to transfer schools when her mother found out that she had a boyfriend.

But besides yelling and the occasional slap what other punishments do these children receive? You can't really ground students who go to school six days a week and are required to study five nights a week at the school, as the Senior Two students are. Many of the students who cause trouble have mobile phones, MP3 players and other computer games -- would the parents think about taking those away as a punishment? Obviously not, from what I see in class.

I think that beyond the yelling, there really are few consequences for students' misbehavior. Remember, I had a student who threw a ball at me in class and walked away with just a verbal reprimand from her head teacher (and a slap in the back of the head).

And this lack of respect is the primary reason why I will miss some of my students , but not the environment in which I've taught for the last nine months.